Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
- Helen Keller

My head was in complete turbulence when I entered the mansion after spending whole day at Elena's place. I stop abruptly in my steps sensing the presence of Liam and some young woman seated in the living hall along with Nick's mom.
Their chatting comes to an end as their gazes fall on me. My mother-in-law offers a warm welcoming smile.
"Sam, this is Lia, Liam's elder sister and she is like my daughter", Nick's mom nods towards the elegantly dressed slender l woman.
"Hello, I'm Samaira", I smile at Lia extending my hands.
She smiles brightly before shoving my hands away and engulfs me in a friendly hug.
"We are family now and this is how we meet our family", she grins as she pulls away. She is an easy going and friendly woman who is two years elder than Liam. She also tells me that she was unable to attend our wedding as her husband had some work commitments.
"Where is my idiot cousin?", she raises her brows authoritatively at Liam, who has his eyes fixed on his phone.
"Where do you think he is? Ofcourse he will be at his office", Liam rolls his eyes in a matter-of-factly tone.
"It's almost night......", her words stop in the middle as we hear a loud crying tone of a baby. I follow my gaze towards the noise to see a good looking man with stunning features walking towards Lia with a defeated face.
But that's not what catches my attention. The man is trying to console the crying baby in his arms but badly failing at it.
"Your son needs his mom. He woke up just now and crying non-stop", the man who I think Lia's husband carefully handover the child to her.
She cradles her son to her chest and gently cooes some soft words into his ears making the child to stop crying instantly which puts on a bright smile on her face.
"See, he stopped crying. You just don't know how to handle my baby", she teases her husband.
"Little-traitor", the stunning man mutter under his breath giving a stink eye to the baby sounding genuinely offended.
"Do you want to hold him?", Lia motions towards the little bundle in her arms who is now giggling at his uncle.
I snap my head towards her in sudden shock. Oh god! Do I want to hold a baby in my arms after what happened today?
The right thing to do now is just excuse from this place and bolt straight to my room. But I unconsciously nod my head at her.
"May I?"
"Ofcourse you can. I saw your eyes sparkling with adoration seeing him", she says excitedly and carefully places the baby in my arms.
"What is his name?", I ask staring at the little creature who is cooing incoherent words at me. He is giggling to himself and thrashing his legs and arms in my hold.
"We named him Kade", Lia says softly staring lovingly at his son. There is a genuine adoration in her gaze. And she tells that little Kade is just five months old.
Eventhough I have seen some child births in my career its the first time I'm holding a baby in my arms. I aways had some sort of emotional phobia concerning small children.
But holding little Kade in my arms their is this other worldly feeling erupting in the middle of my chest. His little nose, little lips, his tiny arms and his tiny face is too adorable that I can't stop touching him.
"Hey, there little one", I whisper gently lowering my tone like Lia did. He freezes for a second. All his playfulness gone in the thin air. His laugh stops completely and his eyes widen.
Dear lord! What did I do now?
Am I that bad that even this small baby is hating me? I'm right I don't have a single motherly bone inside me. God, I'm such an idiot for even thinking for a moment that I can finally overcome my emotional fears.
I'm just a second away from running towards my room when I sense baby Kade's expressions changing. His eyes widens for a moment and his lips gently curve up in an innocent smile and in the next second he is giggling again like he never stopped my heart a mere second ago by going still.
My heart starts thundering against my ribcage like never before in my life and I finally gulp down air into my constricted lungs.
His dark eyes are gleaming like tiny little stars. He bounces in my hold as if he wants to stand. I gently lift him up such that he is supporting himself on his cute little toes. He surges forward to my face and his little palms start thrashing my cheeks like he found some play thing.
Even my lips curve up with joy at his cute antics. I smile genuinely at the little angel who is bouncing with newfound joy on my lap. I nuzzle my nose into his warm face making him escalate his giggles.
"You will be a great mother one day", I hear Lia's warm tone. My body freezes hearing her words. All the events of today rushing back to my mind in a lightening speed. The weight of my decisions weighing down on my chest almost making me to suffocate.
The guilt of my actions poking needles through my clothed chest. All the air in my lungs knock out making it difficult to breath. My vision blurs and my hands shake.
"Samaira, are you alright?", Lia's concerned voice shooks me out. "You are crying", her eyes widen in panic.
"I'm sorry. I...I was just emotional", I wave her off handing back the baby Kade who is staring at me curiously as if asking what's wrong with me denying to loose his tight clutch on my dress.
No baby. Please don't make it difficult. I will burst out if I stay a moment long with you. I silently plead him through my eyes loosening his tiny fingers.
"Excuse me", I hold back the tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes and run back to the room without glancing at the concerned gazes of everyone.
I run into the bathroom and slam the door shut through my trembling hands.
I splash my face with cold water in an attempt to clear my thoughts. Looking at myself in the mirror I freeze.
I suck in a breath, and another, and then another. My eyes fixated on my reflection in mirror. My head becomes heavy as my vision blurs, each breath I try to inhale my throat burns. I can't breath. God, what's happening to me? I can't breath.
Is this the guilt of my actions choking me to death now? I can't look at the face of the woman in the mirror. I can't look at myself without feeling like a cruel murderer.
As each of those thoughts hit me, my breathing becomes difficult and my heart aches for the innocent tiny life.
I try to gulp large amount of air, but barely anything reaches my lungs, mind, heart or soul.
My body has turned numb and darkness starts enveloping me slowly.
I hear someone calling my name, but I can't open my eyes. I clutch my arms around my flat stomach as tears of guilt cascade down my cheeks.
"Sweetheart, look at me", I hear a soft soothing vibration behind me as warmth envelopes my hands pulling them away from my stomach
"Look up at me", a rough hands cup my face urging me to look up at them.
"N...no....I...I can't. I .... can't ", I mumble in panic trying to yank away my hands from that anonymous person.
I find myself colliding on the hard chest of the person as he pulls me roughly towards him by my wrist.
"Leave me.....please...leave..", my voice dies in my throat as the person's strong arms wrap around my waist.
"Shh....you are alright. I'm here for you. Calm down", he whispers as I hear the wild drumming of his heartbeat near my ears.
"No, I couldn't. I didn't had the strength to do that", I shake my head wildly against his chest, tears flowing.
"I couldn't convince myself to take that step. I couldn't......"
I thrash my hands against his hard chest.
"It's ok. Don't think about anything sweetheart. Just concentrate on breathing"
"Try to breath in", he tightens his hold around me.
"Follow my breathing"
"Yes, like that".
"That's better", he murmurs softly his hands rubbing a soothing circles on my back.
"How...how.. can I even think of doing this?", I whisper absent-mindedly still my breath coming out as harsh pants.
I tighten my hold on the lapels of the persons jacket, clutching it like my life depends on it as my mind waltz back to today's hospital scene.
As I laid on the bed to abort my baby.
Dear lord. How can I turn into so much crueler. Where was my sane mind when I decided to get rid of my own baby?
How can I think of doing this to my own blood?
My child?
Thick burning acid raise from my stomach to my throat at the mere thought of hurting an innocent life that depended on me, that trusted me, that chose me for protection.
How can I think of hurting such a soul, the little life that trusted me for its protection against this world?
As I laid back on that bed and the doctor was preparing the apparatus to carry on the process, at that instant, at that moment a sudden hollowness arose in the pit of my chest.
It was panic. The panic of losing. The panic of incompleteness. All those unexplainable intense emotions rushed into my stony heart and I realized something.
Something that is unbelievable.
Something that I have never offered anyone other than to my family members.
Love.
I was in love.
I was in love with my baby.
Is it even possible to fall in love with someone whom you have never met?
Is it possible to develop this deep connection with someone who is not yet in this world?
Yes. That's the strangest thing. But it's the miracle, it's the magic that innocent soul can create. And I felt that magic at that moment when the doctor said, that in few hours they will get rid of my baby.... my flesh.... my blood.
In that moment I decided that I will sacrifice everything for this little soul inside me and I will protect it like a true mother should do.
Yes, our beginning was bad... too bad... that I thought of hurting my baby.
But I will redeem myself. I will overcome all my fears for my child's sake.
My baby deserves its life over anything.
Simple as that.
At the end that is what it came down to.
I can convince my family regarding this. Yes, they will be mad at me. But they will understand me slowly.
They will realize that the entire thing was not my fault. It was the fault of the bloody asshole who took advantage of me.
If I get rid of my baby fearing the opinions of others, then I have to live with the guilt of my baby's blood on my hands every single minute, every single painful day.
I cannot do that.
So I chose my baby's life over my respect or any of my priorities.
"Are you feeling better now?"
I freeze for a moment in the person's hold. The hairs at my nape standing tall.
I can recognize that voice anywhere.
Shit.
What was I thinking?
Nick?
I could feel his steady, soothing heartbeat near my ears.
His hold tightens on my back as if sensing I have finally come back to my senses.
Still clutching his coat, I think of ways to escape this awkward situation.
God. What am I going to answer him now?.
I slowly pull back from his hold still keeping my eyes on the floor.
"Are you alright now?", he asks lifting my chin up gently to meet his stormy eyes.
"Yes", I mumble.
His features relaxed, his jaws softened and his eyes comforting, my breathing relaxes finally.
We keep staring at each other until he clears his throat.
So now is he going to ask for an explanation ?
"You need to freshen up and rest now", he motions at my tear soaked face and goes outside.
I release a heavy relaxing breath staring at myself in the mirror before I freshen up.
Nick is already on the bed, his head against the headboard and a phone in his hands. He has already changed out of his formals and wearing a black shirt and black sweatpants.
How can someone look sexy in that?
I shook those thoughts away and grab some pillows and sheets from his bed and move towards the large couch.
"What are you doing?", he asks in confusion.
"Sleeping"
"Oh", he replies unfazed before placing his phone on the night stand and laying down on the bed with his one arm on his forehead.
My jaw hits the ground witnessing his behavior as I stand rooted in my place even after he goes to sleep.
How rude. This Asshole.
I keep turning and tossing on the uncomfortable couch even after half-an-hour. I groan and sit up.
My gaze wander towards the rude asshole who is sleeping like a king in the middle of the huge bed.
"Not even a slight courtesy to offer to sleep on his bed",
" Atleast out of manners"
Just seeing his unfazed, relaxing sleeping form my blood starts to boil in anger. Before I can think of my actions I grab a pillow and throw it in his direction with such a force that it lands on his sleeping face.
Groaning something under his breath, he push away the pillows like they are some feathers and go backs to sleep turning his back to me.
Agggh...this infuriating man..
I lie down on the uncomfortable couch resting my hand on my stomach, as a light smile graze my lips remembering baby Kade's adorable face and those feelings I had when I held him in my arms. I smile seeing my flat stomach.
I will protect you my little one. It's mamma's first promise to you.
When I wake up in the morning I am lying on Nick's huge bed with his duvets covering around me.


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